Good Guys Finish Last

Its been a very draining week. I'm beginning to realize how easily it is to feel isolated in a large city in the states. There is the illusion of booming and ever-present socialization all around you, but honestly its me and then everyone else. As a person from another country, the integration process isn't the easiest. Firslty, this country is divided by Race, class and financial status. For me to pop into a peer group is like trying to knit yarn with spoons... it probably can be done, but i'd never recommend it. I just came back from Chinatown working on a project I know will probably put me in a bad place in a few days. I wrote about it in my project "three weeks" something about being a "weak" person, but I define "weak" in a way that explains exactly what i'm talking about. Either way, I realize there are three main uses of my energy right now. School, schoolwork and eating. There is nothing else. I go to classes, I come home to eat lunch probably, I go back to class then I come back home. Occassionally i'll hope on the metro and go sightseeing in the city maybe, but its all me. As time passes, the novelty of floating around by yourself wears off after you see dozens and dozens of happy beaming couples frolicking in the street.

This make sme think about the future, and I wonder if i'm EXTREMELY busy in the future if i"ll get caught in that trap where I'm too busy to even have a functional relationship. I hope it never reaches that point. Right now, i'm trying to do it all, so later on I won't have to do as much. Its the only thing that gives me a little hope when I'm traipsing around by my lonesome, looking at all these people walking hand in hand gleefully to and fro.

These things also make me question myself and give me material to write. I sometimes ask myself if I'm unattractive simply by being isolated. A person with more friends and has more social links might be socially more attractive, but i'm not sure if this is even a sound theory. I think these are merely the words of a tired student. The weekend approaches, and i"m not even looking forward to it. I will make my usual Friday night outing somewhere ( my friends are suggewting a bar near the University of Maryland) but i'm not sure. Apparently there are tons of eager-looking nubile Asians just looking for a Jamaican guy to hug.

But that's a pipe dream. Being in America and sitting back is really different from the slower pace of Island life. A lot of things here you have to fight for, including social position, grades, relationships. The society is highly individualistic and highly competitive, which gets unnerving when you are really busy and you just want to meet a few people casually. But no biggie, life goes on. Time for some sleep and then the wake up so I can read and do a paper.

peace