The Last Chapter Is Always the Hardest

I'm writing the last chapter of my book "Three Weeks and a Hurricane" and it isn't easy. I still have some edits to do, and a filler chapter here or there to write, but the book is pretty much over. This last chapter is hard because in the last bit of this book, i'm summarzing my feelings about love.

Its so hard to think you have lost something really special. Its hard to think that someone you really loved probably didn't see you in the same light. Its hard to know that you can easily express certain aspects of yourself to someone, and they can't do the same. I'm not talking about writing prose worthy of Proust, or drawing me naked on an easel using some Rennaisance technique. I'm talking about merely being able to acknowledge me as a person and my feelings. This is bothering me as I write this last chapter. My challenges in love have often led me to think that maybe I'm the type of person that a person won't "fight" for. Naturally this statement sounds a little negative, but in the face of trying all that i'm trying, I can get book rejections, no problem. I can get a million assignments and handle them, no problem. I can be in groups of strangers and interact with them, and be fine. I can handle the inevitable twisted ankle, scraped knee or broken nail. I can deal with the uncertainty held in my next few steps in my life, but sometimes, just sometimes, Its hardest for me to be hit with a huge emotional blow.

This time, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a person I didn't have to say goodbye to. I had a chance to acquiesce to the person inside me, and I could have weaseled my way back into my ex's life under the pretense that everything was fine, jim-dandy. But I wasn't jim-dandy. Even though love can make a person destroy themselves, and do almost anything for someone I can't be self-destructive. I can't be hurt and then allow myself to look as if I was hurt for naught.

I can't be tossed aside and then come happily running back to someone with my tail wagging and my tongue out like a dog and its master. Try as I might, I have to be proud of myself. If i'm not i'll be open to the same situations time and time again, and I'll lose.

I did lose something recently, and for the last three days it has been eating at me, day in day out. But there isn't anything I can do. If someone truly loves you, they can show it. If they don't really love you, it shows as well. I'm at the stage where I'm feeling that after-effect of learning the truth, quite like Neo after taking the red pill. I'm partially in shock, and for what seems like the second or third time, i'm completely starting over. Book aside, writing is a reflection of life, especially non-fiction based on yourself. So here I am, writing this last chatper, summarzing my feelings about love (at this moment) and trying not to sound like a wounded, overly jaded twenty something year old.

But that's hard, because I'm trying to write truthfully without being hurtful. If people read what i write, I want it to show them that a person can move on, a person can take a few blows and crawl out of the rubble, I want everyone to be Superman. But we aren't aliens. We are human, flesh and bone, finite. We have diseases, issues, wars and stresses everywhere. Life is a FIGHT.
We fight for love, for food, for occupations, education, sex, pleasure, money and a host of other things. Its a batttle between how good you feel and how much you want to have. I think love is one of the lulls in that battle, a little thing that allows you to remember life doesn't have to be as chaotic as it is. You can look into someone's eyes and see your future in there. You can hold their hand and feel like you dissappear into their consciousness, even for a moment. You can dissappear blissfully for a while, and escape the raging madness of our Ipod-filled, overly political, caffeine amped world.

Then you come back to reality and there's the pain and suffering, the joy and the ups and downs.
So maybe losing love is just stepping back into the real arena of life. Maybe its just being what a human really is: almost animalistic, fighting tooth and nail to find what he/she wants in life. Maybe I've lost a skirmish this time around and I have to REALLY fight the next time love shows its face. Then maybe, I should cling on for dear life, invest properly in my emotions and pray that the person's eyes I look into, see's the same thing in me.

Wishful thinking? You bet.

Organize Thy Writing

A chapter in that new book i'm reading talks about being very organized as a writer and man I'm feeling it. With my daily cartoon duties, film assignments and high-energy demands of long classes plus my extra-curricular activities, its pretty crazy. Balancing a full load at school and then organizing query submissions, entering competitions as well as researching Grad schools isn't easy, but so far my system that's worked somewhat has been.

(a) Set first a weekly goal on top of everything.

For me, my goal last week was to finish my current project, and write 30 pages. With all my computer issues and running all over DC I only ended up doing about 18 pages, but if I hadn't set the goal I might not have written anything.

(b) Relax, somehow.

I'm always buzzed and i'm pretty high energy. When the demands of everything are on your brain you want to write, excercise, play video games, read all at the same time. There has to be a balance unless you'll burnout. I'm not the best at this, but i've worked hard to relax ( I recently got a Yoga video )

(c) Organize all your tasks relating to things that MUST be done
Say you want to send ou 30 query letters. You need to have all 30 agents names and addresses ready. 30 envelopes and stamps ready and have the letters individually addressed to each of these people. A trick I did was to make an Excel file to track them all. So each time I dropped a letter in an envelope I added them to the database. This also helps you keep track of dates. I received a reply to a query I sent three months ago recently, but at least I can see who I sent it to, and see if I should query them again.

But the basic goal is to do what you can as soon as possible. Make a list, write it down and be active so you don't become overwhelmed.

(d) Read.

(e) Evaluate the goals.
Its easy to see your progress afte ryou set your goals. So if I sent out 30 queries and go zero responses. I probably need to change my query. Or if I sent them out six weeks ago (and they are all e-mail based) and i've gotten no reply, maybe I need a new agent list? I think its hard to see where you are going if you don't know where you are coming from. For example, I send out 24 letters for my first manuscript "Eden Speaks" and got 24 rejections. Alas, the world wasn't ready for a Jamaican novel in the U.S! But the point was, I sent out all 24 and got my replies and I ended up pushing another project. So I was at least able to say to myself that "maybe agents aren't ready for a book like this." It allowed me to gauge something. No point having your book in the drawer where you keep dirty magazines.

So If I plan A thing in B time frame, and I get C result, then I know what I can tweak and adjust to make sure i'm doing the best things possible.
That's about it for me. I'm trying to work on my organization seriously and I hope this helps someone else out there in la-la land.