I've found the latest aphrodisiac.
Candy Corn.
I'm not sure why Candy Corn of all things stirs my insides in a way that makes me wake up wishing I was in any number of pornographic films, but it does. The Candy I bought exactly one week ago has been sitting in my system, stirring up my desires and fueling my dreams in a strange way.
Then again, it might have nothing to do with Candy Corn. Sometimes when our minds are pushed to the limit, we can engage in what are called "mental extremes" which are spurred on by a sudden shift in emotional state. That might explain the hundreds of TV "sex after a huge fight" scenes, or the dozens of "bloody sex after i've killed a person" scenes i've seen during my lifetime.
I've had a huge deadline to accomplish this week, and I'm 99% done. In order to apply for a lucrative opportunity, I had to finish a film script i was working on in 4 days instead of 25 days. Between Monday and Today, I wrote about 80 pages, plus did multiple re-edits and still the bastard isn't finished. This is where my "shifting emotional state" theory comes in.
Yesterday I called Comcast, and laughed to myself briefly because the "hold" music sounded like cheezy 70's porn music. I wasn't on the phone all hot and heated with a Comcast representative, I assure you. I had to listen to that track for almost 5 minutes...which i'm guessing is the average length of a 70's porno.
Recently I watched this show with Robocop Alum Peter Weller called Screamers, which is an interesting sorta post-apocalyptic dystopia film where sentient aliens scream at a frequency that kills people.... in a nutshell. If you've watched any Peter Weller films, the man is like an 80's Charlton Heston, 100% man. What does a 100% man encounter in all his films? A saucy vixen of course. Even if it is on a mostly empty, frozen planet on the outer regions of some barely colonized area of space. In this movie it was a hot brunette. I personally didn't find her her that attractive, but the Candy Corn did. In an interesting scene in the movie, Peter Weller and this woman are speaking about escaping from the planet and heading to Earth and she removes her clothes (with no provocation) and proceeds to dab herself with warm water as they discuss these plans. I thought 100% man would have gotten some right there, but sadly, they don't have Candy Corn on planets covered in Frozen Tundra.
But this hasn't really been a "sexed up" week by no stretch of the imagination. This has been a week of shifting emotional states. When I write for more than 9 hours straight I tend to experience what I call "disconnect". I realize i'm disconnected when I`m typing and I realize I'm not even hearing the music playing on my computer, or noticing what's on the television behind me. When i'm in the mode of disconnect, if I go to sleep, sometimes I can wake up with such raging sexual tension I wonder if I was writing an explicit paper on the theories behind the origins of the "Money Shot" in pornographic films before I went into dreamland.
But at the end of the day, I always think its the Candy Corn. After all, I've gone into "disconnect" a few times this semester, and they have never had sexual side effects.
This has nothing to do with my Candy Corn tirade, but is it me, or has Vilo Ventimiglia's character in Heroes (Peter Petrelli) been shirtless in EVERY episode so far? I noticed that yesterday after wishing Masi Oka would be an asshole and sleep with the Japanese hottie and destroy the space/time continuum. Again, that was the Candy Corn speaking.
Heroes has been really annoying me lately, but I will save an entire post for that heroes rant. But since this is a Candy Corn post, I will mention, there has been only one Character who has been laid in Heroes so far who's significant other hasn't died or been written out of the show-- Adrian Pasdar's (Nathan Petrelli).
Anyways, I digress.
I am eating some Candy Corn as I type this. I didn't feel any effects today, so I believe it was all in my mind. When I woke up at 6 a.m this morning, ready to donate copious amounts of my manliness to any number of Sperm Banks, I theorized I probably hit a cycle, sort of like dogs in heat, but much, much more subdued. But i'm human, so I walked over to my computer, turned on some music and drank some water. I rubbed my head a bit, opened the curtains and hopped onto the computer.
I wrote more of my script, sipped on my water, and ate some Candy Corn. Even if the week was a Candy Corn induced high-low sexual madness period, at the very least the weekend is right around the corner. Which means I will replace Candy Corn with alcohol, and all will be right in the universe again.
No comments:
Post a Comment